i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
