btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
