I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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