Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
