ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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