Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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