shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
