getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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