You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
