I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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