he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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