You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
