sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
babies were throwing up all over the place
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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