he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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