chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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