He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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