If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
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Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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