i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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