i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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