I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this will be a night to untag.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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