my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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