We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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