Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
