I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Quick, to the slutcave!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
