hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
