I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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