fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am one with the molecules
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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