I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
