Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
