I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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