I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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