i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
