then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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