maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Michael Bay diarrhea
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
