It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
