vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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