You're so nebulous sometimes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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