He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
