I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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