Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
