GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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