I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
