Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
