Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
