My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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