He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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