i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
