There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
