she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you inspire me to be a worse person
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
