The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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