I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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