Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
