help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
