I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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