just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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