I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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